Third Time's A Charm

Well, this is my third and final "send off" (if you've read my other blog posts). Even though I've done this a few other times, it doesn't make this time of letting go any easier.  She is the baby of the family. The last of the Deakins to leave the nest and spread her wings. I think that is exactly why this last one feels so unique and a bit hard for me.  It's an end of an era for this mama!

This third time is the closing chapter of a period of time in our family's history, yet I'd like to say the third time's a charm.  Not because I was unsuccessful or unlucky the first two times, but "charm" in the sense of commemorating this closing era.

When I was a young girl, my mother had a charm bracelet that I admired and often looked at when perusing her large jewelry box. On the bracelet were charms or in other words, small ornaments that had significant meaning to my mom's life.  One was a picture of me as a small girl and another of my brother. We represented a significant part of her story. These ornamented bracelets are a simple way to identify and even honor the ordinary moments that perhaps make our stories a bit extra-ordinary. 

I wrote about my other two girls when they graduated from high school and were heading to college - "Pondering Like Mary" and learning to let go, and "Why Fit In" and praying they would be brave and stouthearted.  This time I would like to create a mental "charm bracelet" if I may, a collection of ornament memories to celebrate my youngest daughter, Ava, as well as commemorate the end of this era for me as a mom and gracefully walk into what people call "empty nesting" (a term I'm not too fond of).

It sounds lonely and obviously empty. I much rather prefer "Clean Nesting", when I can finally keep my house organized and clean. But with all joking aside, this is definitely a big transition for our youngest ones and probably an even harder transition for us as a parent. I get that. I'm right there with you. So instead of dreading the empty house to come, let's celebrate the time we have had with our babies of the family (and all our kiddos) by creating mental keepsakes to ground us through the changes certainly coming. 

Let's create...here are a few of mine:

Rock Charm: Yes, a rock. Ava and I had a rock for a special occasion and that was at the bus stop. We kicked it around like a soccer ball, taking shots on each other as if we were goalies.  As soon as the bus arrived, Ava would pick up that rock and put it in her backpack until the next day.  It was OUR thing. Simple, but special. Ava kept that rock for a very long time!

Eagle Charm: The name Ava in latin means "bird", and if I could select a bird to represent Ava it would be an eagle.  The eagle symbolizes courage and great strength. Even as the youngest, she was not afraid to try new things and keep up with her sisters and cousins.  She would wrestle any size opponent, take the first plunge into the inlet, hike any mountain including Mt. Borah, drive a tractor when she could hardly reach the clutch, and take on any competitor at any activity. In fact, she was the brave one when the doctor holding a needle in his hand said, "Who wants to go first?" While her older sisters nodded their heads with wide eyes, Ava stepped up and said, "I will!"  She held in the pain and told her sisters, "See, guys, it's not that bad." Whatever she did, she never assumed she was too young. Perhaps that's why her favorite Bible verse has been 1 Timothy 4:12:

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, 
but be an example to all those around you in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."

Tea Glass Charm: Our "Tea Time" in Georgia were special times after school to sit on the "veranda" (and sometimes just on the driveway) and enjoy some southern sweet tea and talk about our day. 

Kite Charm:  It was a cold and windy day, and I remember having a hard day emotionally as a young mom. I prayed that God would take away the wind, thinking that would definitely change my mood. My prayer was not answered, but Ava and I decided to go outside and get some fresh air anyway. Walking in our back yard, Ava spotted two kites in the shed and wanted to fly them. I helped get her kite in the air and handed it to her. Then I began working on getting my kite in the air, but I was having a bit of a struggle doing so.  I heard Ava giggle behind me and say, "Get yours as high as mine, Mommy!" I looked over at Ava. There she was sitting calmly on a stump with her kite so high in the air that I thought if a strong burst of wind came through it would pick up my four year old and take her for a flight! We both burst into laughter at the humor of my struggle to get my kite even in the air and her effortless success. She kept encouraging me to get my kite as high as hers, but I was never able to reach her amazing height. We had such a great time, and it changed not just my mood but my perspective. Here I had been praying for God to take the wind away -the inconvenience, the uncomfortable - and God used the cold wind to bring about a priceless memory with my daughter. God taught me in that moment that He doesn't always take away those little frustrations, but through them, He can create unforgettable, teachable moments. 

I could barely get Ava & her kite in the picture!

Heart Charm: There I was...kneeling at my sofa chair where I usually spent time reading and praying. This time I was praying with a blanket over me on my knees. I heard Ava's footsteps as she entered my bedroom, and I waited for her to say something to get my attention.  During this time of motherhood, I was often interrupted, but this time was different.  Instead of hearing her voice, Ava quietly knelt down beside me, gently put her arm around me, and said nothing. No words, beautifully showing her love and understanding simply through her presence. God once again brought a valuable lesson to my attention, a quiet reminder, "This is how you comfort and love others."  

Hand Charm: The sweetest gift Ava continues to give me is her hand. It means so much to me when she comes along side of me and holds my hand.  I expected it when she was a young girl and have braced myself for the time when I would no longer feel her hand in mine. But that time has not come thankfully. 

I don't know how else to say this but Ava has been my companion these past 18 1/2 years (here come the tears).  I have had so many wonderful opportunities to be more than Mom to her. I had the privilege of being her lacrosse coach for 8 years (starting in 1st grade), her Sunday school teacher in church, her elementary and middle school counselor for a short time, and her career counselor the past two years. All these roles have allowed me to be a part of her life in unique ways outside the role of mom. A special handshake, a bedtime routine of kisses, listening to 80's music together, traveling to lacrosse tournaments...each moment now a meaningful souvenir for me to keep, charms decorating my story, and honoring our time together in the nest. Ava, you completed our family, our nest, and now it's time to spread your wings, my little eagle.  

All you soon to be "Empty-Nesters", perhaps gathering your own mental charms will help your nest not feel so empty but rather more full. What pictures or symbols represent your last born's attributes and what meaningful stories have charmed your life? Pay tribute to this special time spent with your youngest as a happy "send off" and then embrace the beginning of a new era to be explored and the riches to be found as time unfolds. 

It is hard to see a time pass when your kids aren't coming in and out your door. When their friends aren't coming in and out your door either. When you don't have a sporting or school event for your own kids to go to so you go to your friends' kid's event or niece and nephew's. When you go home after work and ask your spouse, what do you want to do tonight?  Should we make dinner? I had to re-read my 2017 post "Embracing Different" and remind myself that these transitions are hard but exactly as they should be. Our three daughters were given to us for a time and purpose -to prepare them for THIS moment while we hold on to the charms they have left with us.  

The Forgiven Ring

 

In 2014, I walked into a Christian book store.  As I perused the store, my eye caught attention to a silver ring.  On that ring was the word "FORGIVEN".  I stared at it for quite awhile, sizing it on my finger, taking it off again, and putting it back on.  I was drawn to it, and I didn't really know why.  It had no particular significance to me at the time.  I knew forgiveness was important, and by God's incredible grace I was forgiven. This was a lesson I had been reminded of since I was a young child.  But with only a curious intuition and spontaneous urge, I said to myself, "I'm going to buy it!"

I put it on and wore it, assuming that God was going to bring some purpose or significance to this word "Forgiven".  And of course, He did.  The next year I would experience relational hurt I had never experienced before.  Situations I've heard other people talk about, but had never encountered myself.  And it seemed to surround me in many aspects of my life.  Honestly, there are many things I wish I would have said and done differently, but throughout this difficult time, I would look down at the ring I bought the previous year, and be reminded I had been forgiven.  

Now don't get me wrong...this was not in the way that I was telling myself, "Well, I'm forgiven so I'm good."  No, it was a reminder that I had been forgiven much by the grace of God; therefore, I need to extend that same forgiveness to others.

I'm "not gonna lie" it took me several years of sorting through hurts, wrestling with God about all the "whys" in my head, and praying that God would help me let go of unforgiveness. Forgiving is not easy, and there is much to do that requires self-reflection. It wasn't until I finally quit trying to forgive and arrived at a point of humility that I raised my voice to God and said, "I can't do it! I can't forgive! So, God, you are going to have to do it in me!"  That was the first step toward freedom and the ability to let go of all the pain and hurt and bitterness encapsulated in unforgiveness.

Freedom didn't come from trying harder and harder to forgive. It came from realizing my own limitations and my own need for God's undeserved grace.  I had been "FORGIVEN", and until I could truly wrap my brain around that, forgiveness toward others seemed impossible.

Paul Tripp in his devotional "New Morning Mercies" writes:

"No one gives Grace better than a person who is deeply convinced of his/her own need of Grace."

I could change that to say, "No one gives forgiveness better than a person who is deeply convinced of his/her own need for forgiveness."

My 2024 word of confession has brought forth and brought attention to MY profound need for Grace, and in the process given me eyes to empathize and understand and give grace to others instead of being quick to judge or be critical.  A new mindset that we are all in the same boat - all trying our best to stay afloat and live the best we know how while still needing the beautiful gift of grace God offers us. 

I'm learning about grace in a whole new way -the depths, even new dimensions of it. Grace is something I have taken for granted for sure, used flippantly, so cliche, missing the reality of the extent of its meaning.

"The person who is unimpressed by God's Grace hasn't really understood his own sin."
-Paul Tripp

I love "The Chosen." In one episode, Jesus suggests (I love that!) to Peter that it might be time for him to forgive Matthew, but Peter felt the battle and struggle within as I did.  After much frustration and thought, Peter asks the same honest question I had asked Jesus in my own journey with unforgiveness, "Why does it have to be so hard?" To which Jesus responds, "Man makes it hard when he relies on his own understanding."

There it is...we try to understand the hurts and struggles and even our own sin through the lens of our limited perspectives and points of view.  But when Jesus graciously suggests to us that it may be time to forgive, we have to look beyond our understanding, beyond the "why" questions, the injustices, and acknowledge that the grace we talk about so freely is the same grace that covers over a multitude of our sins. We all have the same need for that Grace!

I'm learning there are so many valuable gifts at the intersection of Confession + Grace.  One being forgiveness. Not to be taken lightly, but treasured and held like a priceless gem. Or perhaps I should say worn like a significant ring. 

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.  Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God!"  

Proverbs 3:5-6 (Message)

The Lens of Confession

 

It's been awhile...in fact, I forgot how to log into my own blog, it's been that long. A little over two and a half years ago was my last post. I think I've made the excuse that life gets busy, but funny how I have time to watch two hours of "The Voice" on Monday evenings.  No it's not that.  Might be doubt...wondering if what I have to say makes any difference at all. It might not, and to be honest, I'm okay with that. I started my 2024 journal with four goals:

1. Know God Better - I know this sounds "churchy" or religious to some, but for me after 44 years of believing in God and learning about Him through the Bible, church, life, and mentors, I want to peel away the images I made God out to be.  I want to know who He truly is in a more personal way and not who I make Him out to be.

2. Allow God to "purify" me of 3 P's - Perfectionism, Performance, & Proving.

3. Listen to more music & allow my soul to sing, worship, & dance in freedom (also a part of knowing God more personally).

4. Allow space to write for no reason other than to know God better and capture His lessons.

So I thought my focus would be on GOD, but so much like Jesus' new testament teachings many, many years ago, His lessons are still upside down, contrary to what I would expect. 

Several months ago when I checked out at WinCo Foods, a young energetic clerk asked me, "If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?"  It totally caught me off guard.  This was a big question, and I admired him for asking me and all the customers before me. At the moment, I wish I had more time to put something more noteworthy together, but I said something about the need for people to always act in love first.  To which he responded, "Oh, like love your neighbor as yourself and to love your enemies."  I smiled as he quoted the common phrases from the Bible.  He then proceeded to ask the same question to the costumer behind me.

Just one question...this young man took this short space of time with each costumer to remind us all what we wish the world was like. But perhaps what he didn't know - or perhaps he did - that question led naturally to a following question in my mind, "If that is what you want to change in the world, then why don't you do that very thing?"  

So easy to see what others in this world need to do to make this world a better place, but so easy to miss the fact that I fall guilty to the same patterns of judgment, pride, selfishness, offense, and self-righteousness. Habits and mindsets which all lack love. 

I'm one of those people who are "maximizers", always see room for improvement, doing things better, and that includes myself. You know the things that make you look better and feel like you are better - give more, serve more, even pray more - all good things.

But as I wrote all the goals above, all pointing to the main goal of knowing God better, He gave me a word.  Like He does every year.  You know, like peace, joy, courage, hope, honor.  But this year it is different.  My word is CONFESS. I don't know if that word makes you cringe, but it does me.  

The perfectionist in me definitely cringes to think that I have to admit wrong, to be shockingly honest with my faults and failures, and ultimately be exposed.  I wrote the word slowly in my journal, hoping another word would miraculously come to mind and my hand would write a more appealing and non-transparent word.  But there it was - C-O-N-F-E-S-S, and God gave me the scripture to confirm it.

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  But if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 
1 John 1:8-9

There it was, and that is the reason it is March and I'm just now allowing space to write for no reason other than to know God better and capture His lessons. Since January, I've been confessing all over my journal, and these lessons are hard to share with others. 

At the end of 2023, my family and I were walking through the amazing Sagrada Família in Barcelona, Spain, and amongst all the majestic views & architecture, a simple sign grabbed my attention.  It was a quote from Mother Teresa:

"Confession Strengthens The Soul."

You bet I took a picture of it....because I'm looking for any benefits of confession I can find!  A selfish motivation to explore this word.  I will be strengthened.  That sounds better than owning up or coming clean. But here again comes the upside down lessons Jesus is known for. Little did I know that this word "confess" would be the very pathway to knowing God better, the greatest benefit of all.

Since then - it's been three months - I've been seeing God through a whole different lens, a whole different focus! I'm hoping to explain this more thoroughly, but for now knowing God hasn't been by reading more scripture or praying harder or serving more.  It has been through the process of looking honestly at myself and through the lens of confession that I'm finding the heart and grace of a loving Father I've never truly grasped.  It is through the process of humbling transparency, I'm peeling away the images I have... not of God, but of myself, and as a result knowing the God I've been serving for 44 years in a deeper way. 

God has taken me off guard with this word CONFESS just like the young clerk at WinCo did with a simple question.  They both took my focus off of looking outward, but instead inward at the things I would rather keep hidden.  And the great upside down mystery in this is how my transparency is bringing light to who God is.  

Basílica de la Sagrada Família
Barcelona, Spain 

Why Fit In?

 “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 
-Dr. Seuss

She stood out from the beginning. Arrived in a whirlwind, on her own accord and with little warning.

With a few painless contractions, my school principal that Tuesday morning instructed me to go home, but I felt better about going to the hospital and them telling me to go home.  I called my husband at work to say it was no big deal and that he didn’t need to meet me there, but when I walked up to the hospital, there he was.

Nurse Rose took care of us and monitored my few contractions. I was sure this was a false alarm, and I would be sent home.  Well, so did Nurse Rose until she checked to see if I was dilated. Her eyes looked up at me with disbelief and said, “I thought I’d be sending you home, but I’m getting you a room right away. You’re at a nine!”  

I recall my husband and I nervously laughing at the possibility that I was going to have this baby quickly. I was immediately wheelchaired to a room and commotion took place around us. I was in no pain, but by the looks of things I was having this baby very soon.  My doctor would not make it in time so the doctor on call stepped in.  He was an awkward type, but friendly. His hair, an untidy disheveled look, made him a bit humorous as he spoke quickly about breaking my water and being back in just a few minutes. I didn’t argue with the plan, but shortly after he left and an epidural was not an option, my body began to push the little being inside of me. She wasn’t waiting for the doctor on call to return.  Nurse Rose kicked things into gear, grabbing the resident doctor nearby, and after two pushes, out of the whirlwind of unexpected excitement, there she came…our Austyn Rose, named after her nurse, who was our rock through this dramatic delivery.

Austyn came into this world with such determination and flair, and even though she was born with three small holes in her heart, that didn't slow her down. We should have known her beginning would be an indication of her approach to life. She needed no pacifier nor thumb to soothe her. She was independent right off the bat. She wore a Snow White dress everywhere she went, but when I asked my two girls what they wanted to be when they grow up, her sister said “a princess,” and Austyn followed with, “A bad guy!” 

She has always wanted to be unique; to do her own thing. One Sunday morning, Austyn came upstairs wearing a small pillow case adorning her head. I calmly asked questions about her headdress, if she was planning on wearing the pillow case to church, and quickly realized this was not a battle I wanted to fight. She wore it to church without any inhibition or reluctancy. In fact, during kid’s church, the children’s pastor called on her enthusiastically raised hand, and Austyn ran on stage to role play a character of the Bible story. Her pillow case fit the part perfectly. I was in the back of the room, thinking “How did she pull that off so well?” She embraced an idea, and others did too. 

“Is she making friends?” I asked Miss Julie, her preschool teacher, at our first parent-teacher conference. Miss Julie laughed out loud and reported that even though she was the youngest in the class, the other students looked to her to follow her lead.

Early on, Austyn saw Dr. Seuss' quote, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" and said, "That's me!" To which I responded, "It sure is!" I knew that was true of her, and I envied her confidence and assurance in that statement. 

The draw to fit in is strong - in our culture, in our neighborhoods, in our friend circles, on social media, in churches, and on college campuses. Austyn is now heading on to college, and I'm having to let go again. Another send off I should say...and I wish nothing more than for Austyn to "stand out".  Now I don't mean that she will stand out with academic achievements and accolades at college. That's all great, I know, but I want her to enter this new college life like she entered this world. The same way she walked on stage with a pillow case on her head, and led her peers in the small classroom. 

In her own way. 

Without inhibition or self-doubt. Without questioning if someone might think poorly of her. Without concern that it might not fit the norm or the trend or the popular view. But simply, living out who God has uniquely created her to be - her personality, her strengths, her mannerism, her outlook, and even her faith. Those innate attributes her Creator designed in her. Would we all stand out if we truly embraced who we were created to be instead of fit into someone else's mold or what the culture says we should be?

You see, no one taught Austyn how to wear a pillow case stylishly on her head. You know I didn't! She didn't take any leadership training before preschool, and I definitely had nothing to do with the timing or way she entered this world. I was just along for the ride. No planning, no training, just BEING herself.

Jesus knew clearly His purpose on earth was not to fit in, and because of that, He stood out. The culture said "You can't say that," but He did.  The culture said, "You can't do that," but He did. The prominent people said, "You can't associate with those people", but He didn't listen.  It wasn't politically correct.  It wasn't socially correct. And Jesus was accused of many things as He lived out what He was born to do. 

Today, I'm praying for our sons and daughters as they step onto college campuses this month.  In an aggressive culture of agendas. Where terms have changing meanings, pre-judgement seems to be the norm, and confusion is prevalent without solid truth to stand on.

Our college students were born to stand out in such a time as this. And as I prayed for my oldest when she went to college, I am praying the same prayer for my middle one - Psalms 138:3.

"When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted."

Stouthearted...we don’t use that expression much these days, but it encompasses the following words: brave, determined, daring, fearless, dauntless, gritty, gutsy, lionhearted, unwavering, and valorous. It's a great word to pray over our grown-up children as they are sent out to their individual campuses and work places. 

Let's remind them that they were born to stand out. That the same Spirit in Jesus lives in them as they live out their purpose in their own God-given way. Encourage them that they have God's Truth to stand on when it is challenging to stand out amongst popular and opposing views. They are not alone. In fact, they were born for this. They were made bold and stouthearted for this very season. And point out to them the ways you've already seen the evidence of this - of being brave, daring, and determined. We often see things in our children they cannot see in themselves yet, and it is our job to prepare them for this next step in life, trusting God will plant our words in their hearts.

So, Austyn, continue to bloom and grow as you were born to do, and stand confidently knowing that God has equipped you for this next chapter of your life. God has made you bold and stouthearted. Remember how fearless you were when our family moved across the country. You were gutsy when you auditioned for a theatre play and tried a new sport. Your big heart and compassion for peers with special needs is a sign of valor. When disappointments came, you found the grit to not give up, and your dauntless determination earned you a valuable spot on the team.  And of course, your unwavering faith as you often stand solo amongst your friends is just one more proof you were born to stand out. 

Like Jesus, we are not made to fit in, but made to be bold and stouthearted and even accused of living out what we were born to do - STAND OUT!  May it be so...

I love you, "Snuggle Bug"!

Thank you for making me laugh! 

("Samantha?...I don't even know a Samantha." )

What Really Counts

 "If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain 

but what He pours through us that really counts."

-Oswald Chambers

She had been a part of my life since I was born.

When I was young, she looked after me in the little square house on Everett St.  The furnace roared in the basement. I could hear it through the opening in the living room floor. The house was built with a metal guard over the opening in the floor, and I remember getting on my hands and knees to peer through it to confirm any existence of scary creatures in my imagination. I faced my fears every time I'd walk down the narrow steps to the basement with Aunt Jeri to take care of the laundry. I always felt safe with her. I felt strong when I was around her. Perhaps that was because I saw the strength and big heart of courage in this small framed woman. 

She was of short stature, but she was not short of energy, boldness, and life. 

At family gatherings, she greeted everyone with a hug and a kiss and always made guests feel welcomed including prospective boyfriends. However, she was clear to point out which boy I should be dating because she thought one in particular was extremely cute. My friends became her "girls".  She attended every volleyball and basketball game I had through my high school years, even went to the State Tournament to cheer on the Nampa Christian Trojans! Aunt Jeri was one of my biggest fans in the stands, hollering at my opponents if they were being too rough and making sure the refs knew about it. I knew she would always be there to cheer me on.

As time went on, we didn't have as many family gatherings.  I grew up, had a family of my own, and even moved away for a short time.  But when I moved back to Idaho, Aunt Jeri was having some health problems. We visited her in the hospital, and I realized my girls were young when we moved away and didn't know her well.  She had a beautiful view of the mountains from her hospital room, and we told her we would wave to her from the mountain that afternoon while skiing. Later that day, when we reached the top of the mountain, my youngest said, "We have to wave to Aunt Jeri!"  So we went to the highest point and standing as tall as we could, waved our hand back and forth so Jeri could see us from her hospital window. 

When Jeri regained her health and spunk, my girls and I would bring over popcorn and a movie for our "Girls' Movie Night". Jeri supplied a wide variety of candy, and there was always pop in the frig. Jeri would share stories about growing up in the 30's & 40's, how she met her husband Paul, and how much she loved the Dodgers. She made us laugh, and she always reminded us of how faithful God is and always will be. The girls grew to love her as much as I did. 

On October 15, 2020, Aunt Jeri went to bed in Boise, Idaho and woke up with the most joyous surprise of her life, a long awaited moment of meeting Jesus face-to-face and being reunited with her beloved Paul and kindred "Sis", my Grandma Lucille.  I know heaven rejoiced over her arrival, and Jeri did too!

******

He was family...but I didn't know him until three years ago.

I got a tip from a family member that the last living sibling of my grandfather was living only an hour and a half away from where we fish in Alaska. I had to meet him. My dad's parents died when I was very young, and Uncle Elmer could possibly help me know them and learn about my family history. I wrote about my first meeting with Uncle Elmer the summer of 2017 and how I brought my dad to Alaska the following summer to see him ("Strangers to Family -July 2018).

The moment I saw Uncle Elmer walk into the Homer coffee shop, he stole my heart. He was humorous and kind. He had a gentle smile that reflected his tender heart. It was clear he loved his family and treasured the memories he had with them. He would try to answer my questions, but would be interrupted by overwhelming emotions. Happy tears, we call them. Uncle Elmer would try to disguise his tears with a chuckle. It didn't take long to love him.

He was a man of few words, but his presence spoke volumes. 

As a young man, he had a deep faith and love for God and chose to become a pastor. He loved people and his first priority was always to follow God and serve well, but life's circumstances brought on some very hard decisions. Uncle Elmer had to make sacrifices that truly revealed his humble heart and integrity. He always had a pastor's heart, and lived it out every single day, caring for those in his life and his community.

Since 2017, I have tried to connect with Uncle Elmer and Aunt Karen every summer. This last summer (2020), we were not able to go visit them due to COVID.  However, I was able to talk to Uncle Elmer on the phone. Again, he had few words, but I knew that behind his silence was his overwhelming speechless love for me. I told him I wished I could come visit him and give him a big hug. He wished that too.

"Don't ever forget that I love you." I reminded him.

He responded, "I love you too."  

I knew that was true. Even though I have spent very little time with this man, I knew he loved me and my family, and I had grown to deeply love him as well. I'm so grateful God crossed our paths just in time to know each other and love each other for a few short years. I anticipate our next visit; however, it won't be summer 2021 in Homer, Alaska. It will have to be some unknown date in heaven. On September 9, 2020, Uncle Elmer squeezed the hand of his love, Karen, letting her know it was going to be okay and that he loved her. The next day, he was welcomed into heaven, and I'm pretty sure he heard the words, "Welcome home, my good and faithful servant."

"If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain 

but what He pours through us that really counts."

-Oswald Chambers

Aunt Jeri and Uncle Elmer's lives really counted. Even though my time with them was very different, what God poured out through them were priceless gifts that mattered. Personally impacting me and making a difference in my life. What counted was their pure love for me and my family. Their compassion, true kindness, unwavering faith, and their prayerful life. They were a sheer reflection of the One they believed in and lived for.

During a time when we are more bent to speak our mind, share our opinions, move forward with our agendas, and eager to express our rights, I hope we can discern what really counts with our words, emotions, attitudes, and actions.  When life puts us in a squeeze, what pours out? Whom do we reflect? Will we allow God to pour into us and through us what matters most? 

May I live out what really counts as Aunt Jeri and Uncle Elmer did for me. 

A Walk with Time

I am normally racing time; it's become my competing sidekick.  However, with all the changes including disappointments that have come with a pandemic, time has become an abundant supply.  I'm unable to race time because it is not sprinting by.  In fact, there is no race because there is no finish line in sight.  During this unusual time, it is simply learning how to be a companion with time. Walking the track of life one step at a time, not knowing what will take place around the next turn, not knowing when the finish line will appear. There is no reason to run, just take long walks in stride, hopeful, trusting, and taking in the view of things that normally go unnoticed and embracing the empty space time is now providing.

I like structure and routine, but I'll be honest, I occasionally like change which brings an element of uncertainty and surprise. However, the hard part with all of this is that the ending is unknown and out of my control. I'd like to go back to work, I'd like to meet with church family in a building, I'd like to watch my girls compete in sports, I'd like to go to the grocery store and not feel like it's a race to the toilet paper aisle. Instead of racing time, I'm racing my fellow neighbor for a roll of TP.  How strange is that?

Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:

 "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I read those verses so differently now that we are in a pandemic...especially "a time to refrain". The writer reminds us we are subject to a variety of times and changes over which we have little or no control. Further down in chapter 3, the author or "teacher" brings us encouragement by writing:

"He (God) has made everything beautiful in its time. 

He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, 

yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live...find satisfaction in all (times) toil - this is a gift of God."

We cannot fathom what God has already done from the beginning of this pandemic and what He will do until the end of it.  The changing of times is not new to the history of man and definitely not new to our Creator.  Life is a walk with time. 

We walk through the changes of times, which elicits a number of responses from us as well as numerous emotions. How will we respond in this time? 

Will we find ways to laugh and build up or is it a time to allow ourselves to fully grieve and to embrace those we care so deeply about? 

Is it a time to speak up or simply to be silent or to search for ways to help our fellow neighbor? 

Is today the day to mend what was broken in a relationship? 

What is this time for you and for me? 

As time becomes our companion, let us not forget we have another companion. Jesus walks with us. When time hands us heavy burdens to carry, we can hand them over to the One who promises to give our souls rest and make our journey light? (Matthew 11:28-30)  

Can we walk hand in hand with time on our left and Jesus on our right, trusting that whatever time we are in, God will make everything beautiful in its time?

It may not look beautiful in the moment, but in time we may be blessed to see what was unfathomable. Remember our perspective is only finite, but God's is limitless and endless in space and time.

It's true, my walk looks different in this time, and I'm looking for the beauty in it. I now have space to do things I normally don't have time to do...like writing and journaling. I was beginning to feel as if I've forgotten how.  I captured the highlights of the year 2019 by putting all my favorite photos in a book - a project that usually takes awhile for me!  I have my college student home seven weeks early, and even though she isn't all that happy about it, I am treasuring our grown-up talks about life, politics, world history, and theology. During my normal race, I don't often get to sit in my comfy corner chair and reflect long enough for my late sleeper to snuggle up in my lap so I can scratch her back and arm and head and whatever other body part she puts in front of me.  And how often do I pull out a puzzle and have my youngest enjoy it with me?

Hence the wisdom of Ecclesiastes' author: "...there is nothing better than to be happy and to do good while (we) live and find satisfaction in all (times) - this is a gift of God."

Wherever you are at in all this crazy unknown and uncertain times, I pray that we can embrace the time we are in by seizing the small blessings often overlooked and ignored, making the most of new opportunities to deliver love to others, find ways to spur on laughter, comfort those who are mourning, gather up new memories to hold on to, and trusting that our all-knowing and constant God makes everything beautiful in its time. 

May we walk hand in hand with time and Jesus.

College Moms Sending Off

The time has come...the time we as moms thought was so far off to imagine.  It is here.

How could it be?  Eighteen years is such a long period of time and the sound of its duration fools us. It really goes by fast. It seems like just days ago we brought her home from the hospital as young wide-eyed parents not knowing what to do or how to take care of this little precious being.  

Now I'm a much older wide-eyed parent wondering what to do, what to say as I say good-bye, and how to take care of her from a distance.  She will be officially on her own.  

And yet this is why we parent. This is what I told parents in Love & Logic classes - our goal is to SEND our children off on their own to be independent contributors to society.  A constant letting go as they grow into themselves and into their relationship with God so that when they turn 18 they can fly...

It is here.  
Did I already say that?  

I repeat myself because I'm still in denial and hope it will eventually sink in instead of hit me like a brick wall when I say good-bye. It definitely is a stretch for any parent.  A new season wrapped up with emotions of excitement, worry, hope, confusion, and wonder.

I've watched moms of college students travel this road ahead of me. They all have their own stories of taking their son or daughter to college, and now I will have mine. Many of my close friends are sending their firstborn just like me - friends in Idaho, Texas, and Georgia. We feel for each other.  We get it now. We are in the midst of it as each day passes, but it comforts me to know I'm not alone. 

We've been texting each other..."When does she/he leave?" 

But I find the use of the word "leave" leaves me feeling empty and sad. A simple word can trigger different emotions, even change the way we look and feel about circumstances. You see our family has left many times. We know what that feels like. And when we've left, we were given a "send off" by people who prayerfully and financially supported us to Argentina, Peru, Georgia, and even back to Idaho.  The words "send off" have a very different meaning to me than "leaving". A send off in my mind is a celebration of what God is leading people to do and joyfully anticipating what God will do through their going.  So instead of viewing my daughter's trek to college as leaving us, I am choosing to celebrate this time as her "send off".

The other day I found a prayer written by my favorite blogger, Emily Freeman. I had printed it and saved it awhile ago for such a time as this. Emily wrote it to college moms - to me and to all my friends sending off their sons and daughters. I'm praying this for myself and for all my dear friends who are journeying this moment in time with me.  I'm so thankful for you and your friendship and the friendships you and your sons and daughters have had with my girl. Life's transitions continue to keep us connected, and thank you, Emily, for your written prayer for us... 

Prayer for College Moms by Emily Freeman

The next few days may be marked with lasts, but soon her grown-up child begins a new set of firsts.  She helps him pack his bags with clothes and his boxes with books. But you see what the mamas carry in their hearts - anticipation, longing, love, regret, anxiety, nostalgia, and resolve.

They are a mix of excited, terrified, and closed-eye hope.

As she watches her child look for a fresh start, remind her to make her home in you.

As she sends her freshman off into the world, make her feet steady to stay behind - sure, confident, and at peace.

As she prays for her daughter to find good friends, may you bring prayerful friends to her own side, to remind her she is not alone.

If insecurity, fear, or disappointment knock on her empty-nest door, may she turn to you with her questions rather than get busy doing.

If she receives calls from her faraway girl, though there may be tears and heartbreak on the other line, may she not set out to fix, rather may she sink deeper into you. Weave your wisdom into the fibers of her soul, bearing the fruit of confidence, clarity, contentment, and a light-heart.

May she have the patience to believe even when the reports sound grim.

May she not be quick to judge, rather may she be patient and curious.

May she remember what her daughter needs more than answers is to know she's not alone.

May she remember what her son needs more than advice is to know he's got what it takes.

May she not despise her weakness, rather may she see how weakness brings a daily reminder to trust.

May she feel the freedom to feel what she feels without the pressure to be more happy, more sad, or more anything other than simply who she is in this moment.

If she is struggling to let go, in your time replace her fear with courage and her confusion with peace.

And if the not-enoughs haunt her in the night, the fear that she didn't love, teach, do, or instruct enough while the kids were under her roof, comfort her with the assurance that you are the Artist who weaves together good from all things.

Help her release her children into Your hands.

For the parents of college freshmen all over the world, may Your grace surprise them kindly in this time of newness, waiting, and love.

Amen.

Pondering like Mary

"Mary treasured up all these things 

and pondered them in her heart." 

(Luke 2:19)

Mary treasured and pondered.

She was still for a moment. Deliberately studied the moment, gathered up the details, and stored the in her heart to keep.  Maybe reflected on what this child's life would mean - for him, for others, and for herself.  Considering carefully the possibilities a baby Messiah would bring - the good and the hard.  But as she sat and listened to strangers share their story of angels and why they left their sheep to come, I can just see Mary in all her gentleness, graciously listening with a slight grin on her face.  Grinning and pondering in the midst of the shepherds' excitement, taking her back to her own angel experience just nine months prior. Another confirmation of the angel's message that her son would be the Son of God. And there she paused to cherish the moment for what it was. 

I can relate. No, I haven't had any visible angel encounters yet, but I find myself pondering more and more these days, wanting to preserve the moments of the first child I gave birth to 18 years ago today.

It was in and of itself miraculous for me. The first time I was able to lay eyes on the little being that had been growing and developing inside of me was beyond words! It was humbling and emotional to partner with God in growing and bringing this tiny person into the world. While my husband was going stir crazy after several hours in the hospital, I wanted to stay in the hospital where I had nothing to do but stare and ponder.  Treasure up all the details of the moment, and ponder what could be or might be in our future.  I wanted time to stand still...

The gospel author, Luke, also records Mary pondering and treasuring up the moments after she and Joseph had just spent three days anxiously searching for Jesus. Oh, how I would have loved to have heard that conversation and seen the look on their faces, when Jesus said, "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" 

When reading this story of Jesus in Luke's second chapter, it feels to me as if this was a pivotal moment for Mary. Here she was in the midst of intense motherly emotions due to a very stressful situation. Her son had been missing for three days! Can you imagine what thoughts she had been pondering during those 72 hours? 

Yet there was Jesus, sitting among the teachers in the temple courts. Somehow Mary was able to settle herself despite all her emotions to once again treasure all these things in her heart for safe keeping. She was able to put aside her feelings, her motherly right to explain her anger, perhaps her need to correct, and relinquish her control and maybe even her own agenda of what she thought was right in that moment. She was able to step back, put her needs and wants aside, and realize her little boy was growing up and making decisions without her. He was 12 years old, near the age of Jewish accountability, and Mary was given a glimpse of Jesus' true purpose, a reminder of who he was created to be. I can imagine the angel's message over a dozen years ago was brought to her mind again. He will be the Son of God. Her role was not to keep him to herself, but to let go.

Yes, LET GO... (This is where all of us moms take a deep breath.) 

Mary knew her son was not just hers, but that Jesus was a gift to nurture and take care of for a time in preparation for his ministry on earth.  Just like our kids. They are children of God too. 

Their main purpose is not to be our kids.  

And our main purpose is not to be their parents.

But our presence in their lives plays a vital role in their life's mission and purpose if we choose to continue to let go as Mary did. I like to believe that pondering helped Mary let go. Treasuring up all these moments in her heart allowed her to release her son into the Father's hands as time required her to do and let God do His thing in her son's life.  

Perhaps that's why I'm pondering a bit more these days...because I have a big "let go" coming up in a few months. When my daughter walks across that stage to receive her diploma, will I have a flashback of my quiet moments in the hospital with her?  When we leave her at college, will I recall the memories treasured up and etched in my mind from long ago?  

The long drive home will be the perfect opportunity for me to ponder....ponder "Audra bunny rabbit" jumping around the living room floor, the Sleeping Beauty dress she always danced in, her little face looking out the bus window on the first day of kindergarten, her first basketball game that brought tears to my eyes, her high pitched voice in the back yard, the "look at me, Mommy" over and over and now the teenager who calls me "Momma", the countries we've traveled...

...Mt. Borah we surprisingly climbed and SUMMITED, the meaningful conversations together, picking stinky fish in Alaska...

...the BTB lacrosse goals, the unexpected hugs, the heartaches I had the privilege of comforting, sharing in the pain of good-byes, and watching her worship uninhibited before the Lord!

These are gifts from God I treasure up and ponder in my heart. I have to let her go so she can live out her purpose, but I can still hold on to the priceless memories she has given to me because they are mine to keep. 

Just like Jesus who had an important purpose...so do our graduates.

Our children have a higher purpose 

than just being our kids, and knowing that 

makes a world of difference 

when I'm having to let go. 

Now it is time for her to live out her faith and find her place and her purpose in the new chapter before her. 

Jesus, may I respond as your mother did with such reflection, wisdom, and strength...

Treasure up!  Ponder on!  And let go!

I love you, Audra. Happy 18th Birthday!