I knew what she meant. It sounds so easy, just be me.
I had another friend ask me on a girl's night out before I left, "What are you most excited about?"
My answer was: "I can be whomever I want to be."
It sounded dreamy, romantic, and crazy-fun...but the obvious next question was, "Who did I want to be?"
I was walking into a brand new world without a history, without a reputation, prior identity, nor a past...it was a clean slate, a new story to write.
Could I just be ME now? Do I even know who "me" is anymore?
Writing has always helped me find myself in the mix of messages life seems to deliver non-stop. Messages of who I am and who I'm not and who I'm suppose to be.
I remember journaling back when I was in elementary school. I enjoyed it. It helped me through rough spots and celebrated the highlights. I could see God's constant faithfulness through my writing.
But now writing in this venue is a bit more scary. It took a lot of courage just to get this blog thing going. But I love thinking about the Bluff because that's where I see the girl who often times gets lost in the mix. The one who had no problem being herself and having fun. She saw each day as precious time to explore new wonders, to live life to experience it not just check it off a to-do list.
I know life gets more stressful as we grow up. We have more responsibilities, others to take care of, deadlines to meet, and places to go. And there are still labels and expectations everywhere you go. You should see some people's faces when you're introduced as the pastor's wife. You can almost visibly see multiple thoughts going through their mind. One can only wonder!
Recently, a devotional caught my attention... (4:44!!! - just noticed the time on my computer. You may not understand this interruption unless you read my last post - "Word".)
Sorry about that. A devotional randomly came in the mail from MOPS International. The title caught my attention,
"Be You BRAVELY - an Experiment in Courage."
I realized that being "YOU" does take courage and bravery no matter where you live and no matter what you do and no matter what title you've been given. There will always be people who have unspoken expectations of you, wishing you were different, but the labels that say "what you do" and "who you are" don't have to define YOU nor prevent you from having fun.
In this devotional, the author Mandy Arioto, writes,
"In order to raise brave kids, I need to be a brave mom. Brave moms raise brave kids."
God gave me a friend to give me the courage to start this blog.
God has also given me a dear friend who has cared enough to take the time to really know me and give me the courage to be myself in the midst of criticism, hurt, and confusion. I'm so grateful that God has put diamonds in the rough of my life - they are gems.
And another gem....God gave me a daughter who believed in my writing. After I shared with Austyn the idea of having my own blog, she was more excited than me. She had no fear and complete faith in me. "Mom, take a picture of breakfast and put that on your blog." "Why don't you write about that and put it on your blog?" "Have you written your first post yet?" "You could make different tabs on your post at the top!"
She was all in, and I couldn't let her down. I wonder if it works both ways:
Brave kids create brave moms!
Austyn is very intuitive and loves to write too. When she wrote in her journal about her baptism at age 7, she wrote in all caps "I FELT WET AND POWERFUL!" So I asked her to share her journal thoughts from a family hike we took last week.
Brent took us up a mountain with journals in hand to write about "perspective" on this journey (wasn't sure if he meant this hike journey or this life journey).
"We eventually got into the car and got down to the hiking place. My mind was all negative; we started our journey through the tangled forest with sweat dripping down our backs. My knees felt like they were going to fall to the ground. We kept walking and walking. My body was so out of it today. Every bone in my body was asleep. Finally we got to the stop. I saw only a glimpse of it at first, but then I peered into the open and I saw the view. You could see miles and miles of land and a big lake. We saw roads, factories, and lots of trees. It was beautiful. My perspective was positively changed."
She then writes of her adventure at the river:
"Today we went to a river. I looked into the open and saw a waterfall, crashing down. Ava and I splashed in the water, then ate some lunch. After lunch we headed for the waterfall. When we finally got there, Ava and I slipped into the water. The rocks at the bottom of the flowing river were slippery. We made our way, crashing and sliding on the rocks. Every time we bumped our knees and backs on sharp rocks, we would scream or laugh. I would sit under the waterfall feeling sharp little pains as the water hit my face. When Ava and I got to the edge of the waterfall, there was a long, slimy rock. I tried to stand up but I just kept falling. Ava then fell on me. We both struggled to get up. Mom told us to swim past the waterfall. We finally made it, and I heard my knee pop. The current pulled us down to where our parents were sitting. I had so much fun! My perspective was changed...I thought about God's creation and how He made all the water, the power of the current, and each specific shape of the rocks. God is powerful!"
TAKE ON the Experiment in Courage, and add an extra word to my friend's mantra:
Be you BRAVELY and have fun!
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