Third Time's A Charm

Well, this is my third and final "send off" (if you've read my other blog posts). Even though I've done this a few other times, it doesn't make this time of letting go any easier.  She is the baby of the family. The last of the Deakins to leave the nest and spread her wings. I think that is exactly why this last one feels so unique and a bit hard for me.  It's an end of an era for this mama!

This third time is the closing chapter of a period of time in our family's history, yet I'd like to say the third time's a charm.  Not because I was unsuccessful or unlucky the first two times, but "charm" in the sense of commemorating this closing era.

When I was a young girl, my mother had a charm bracelet that I admired and often looked at when perusing her large jewelry box. On the bracelet were charms or in other words, small ornaments that had significant meaning to my mom's life.  One was a picture of me as a small girl and another of my brother. We represented a significant part of her story. These ornamented bracelets are a simple way to identify and even honor the ordinary moments that perhaps make our stories a bit extra-ordinary. 

I wrote about my other two girls when they graduated from high school and were heading to college - "Pondering Like Mary" and learning to let go, and "Why Fit In" and praying they would be brave and stouthearted.  This time I would like to create a mental "charm bracelet" if I may, a collection of ornament memories to celebrate my youngest daughter, Ava, as well as commemorate the end of this era for me as a mom and gracefully walk into what people call "empty nesting" (a term I'm not too fond of).

It sounds lonely and obviously empty. I much rather prefer "Clean Nesting", when I can finally keep my house organized and clean. But with all joking aside, this is definitely a big transition for our youngest ones and probably an even harder transition for us as a parent. I get that. I'm right there with you. So instead of dreading the empty house to come, let's celebrate the time we have had with our babies of the family (and all our kiddos) by creating mental keepsakes to ground us through the changes certainly coming. 

Let's create...here are a few of mine:

Rock Charm: Yes, a rock. Ava and I had a rock for a special occasion and that was at the bus stop. We kicked it around like a soccer ball, taking shots on each other as if we were goalies.  As soon as the bus arrived, Ava would pick up that rock and put it in her backpack until the next day.  It was OUR thing. Simple, but special. Ava kept that rock for a very long time!

Eagle Charm: The name Ava in latin means "bird", and if I could select a bird to represent Ava it would be an eagle.  The eagle symbolizes courage and great strength. Even as the youngest, she was not afraid to try new things and keep up with her sisters and cousins.  She would wrestle any size opponent, take the first plunge into the inlet, hike any mountain including Mt. Borah, drive a tractor when she could hardly reach the clutch, and take on any competitor at any activity. In fact, she was the brave one when the doctor holding a needle in his hand said, "Who wants to go first?" While her older sisters nodded their heads with wide eyes, Ava stepped up and said, "I will!"  She held in the pain and told her sisters, "See, guys, it's not that bad." Whatever she did, she never assumed she was too young. Perhaps that's why her favorite Bible verse has been 1 Timothy 4:12:

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, 
but be an example to all those around you in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."

Tea Glass Charm: Our "Tea Time" in Georgia were special times after school to sit on the "veranda" (and sometimes just on the driveway) and enjoy some southern sweet tea and talk about our day. 

Kite Charm:  It was a cold and windy day, and I remember having a hard day emotionally as a young mom. I prayed that God would take away the wind, thinking that would definitely change my mood. My prayer was not answered, but Ava and I decided to go outside and get some fresh air anyway. Walking in our back yard, Ava spotted two kites in the shed and wanted to fly them. I helped get her kite in the air and handed it to her. Then I began working on getting my kite in the air, but I was having a bit of a struggle doing so.  I heard Ava giggle behind me and say, "Get yours as high as mine, Mommy!" I looked over at Ava. There she was sitting calmly on a stump with her kite so high in the air that I thought if a strong burst of wind came through it would pick up my four year old and take her for a flight! We both burst into laughter at the humor of my struggle to get my kite even in the air and her effortless success. She kept encouraging me to get my kite as high as hers, but I was never able to reach her amazing height. We had such a great time, and it changed not just my mood but my perspective. Here I had been praying for God to take the wind away -the inconvenience, the uncomfortable - and God used the cold wind to bring about a priceless memory with my daughter. God taught me in that moment that He doesn't always take away those little frustrations, but through them, He can create unforgettable, teachable moments. 

I could barely get Ava & her kite in the picture!

Heart Charm: There I was...kneeling at my sofa chair where I usually spent time reading and praying. This time I was praying with a blanket over me on my knees. I heard Ava's footsteps as she entered my bedroom, and I waited for her to say something to get my attention.  During this time of motherhood, I was often interrupted, but this time was different.  Instead of hearing her voice, Ava quietly knelt down beside me, gently put her arm around me, and said nothing. No words, beautifully showing her love and understanding simply through her presence. God once again brought a valuable lesson to my attention, a quiet reminder, "This is how you comfort and love others."  

Hand Charm: The sweetest gift Ava continues to give me is her hand. It means so much to me when she comes along side of me and holds my hand.  I expected it when she was a young girl and have braced myself for the time when I would no longer feel her hand in mine. But that time has not come thankfully. 

I don't know how else to say this but Ava has been my companion these past 18 1/2 years (here come the tears).  I have had so many wonderful opportunities to be more than Mom to her. I had the privilege of being her lacrosse coach for 8 years (starting in 1st grade), her Sunday school teacher in church, her elementary and middle school counselor for a short time, and her career counselor the past two years. All these roles have allowed me to be a part of her life in unique ways outside the role of mom. A special handshake, a bedtime routine of kisses, listening to 80's music together, traveling to lacrosse tournaments...each moment now a meaningful souvenir for me to keep, charms decorating my story, and honoring our time together in the nest. Ava, you completed our family, our nest, and now it's time to spread your wings, my little eagle.  

All you soon to be "Empty-Nesters", perhaps gathering your own mental charms will help your nest not feel so empty but rather more full. What pictures or symbols represent your last born's attributes and what meaningful stories have charmed your life? Pay tribute to this special time spent with your youngest as a happy "send off" and then embrace the beginning of a new era to be explored and the riches to be found as time unfolds. 

It is hard to see a time pass when your kids aren't coming in and out your door. When their friends aren't coming in and out your door either. When you don't have a sporting or school event for your own kids to go to so you go to your friends' kid's event or niece and nephew's. When you go home after work and ask your spouse, what do you want to do tonight?  Should we make dinner? I had to re-read my 2017 post "Embracing Different" and remind myself that these transitions are hard but exactly as they should be. Our three daughters were given to us for a time and purpose -to prepare them for THIS moment while we hold on to the charms they have left with us.  

The Forgiven Ring

 

In 2014, I walked into a Christian book store.  As I perused the store, my eye caught attention to a silver ring.  On that ring was the word "FORGIVEN".  I stared at it for quite awhile, sizing it on my finger, taking it off again, and putting it back on.  I was drawn to it, and I didn't really know why.  It had no particular significance to me at the time.  I knew forgiveness was important, and by God's incredible grace I was forgiven. This was a lesson I had been reminded of since I was a young child.  But with only a curious intuition and spontaneous urge, I said to myself, "I'm going to buy it!"

I put it on and wore it, assuming that God was going to bring some purpose or significance to this word "Forgiven".  And of course, He did.  The next year I would experience relational hurt I had never experienced before.  Situations I've heard other people talk about, but had never encountered myself.  And it seemed to surround me in many aspects of my life.  Honestly, there are many things I wish I would have said and done differently, but throughout this difficult time, I would look down at the ring I bought the previous year, and be reminded I had been forgiven.  

Now don't get me wrong...this was not in the way that I was telling myself, "Well, I'm forgiven so I'm good."  No, it was a reminder that I had been forgiven much by the grace of God; therefore, I need to extend that same forgiveness to others.

I'm "not gonna lie" it took me several years of sorting through hurts, wrestling with God about all the "whys" in my head, and praying that God would help me let go of unforgiveness. Forgiving is not easy, and there is much to do that requires self-reflection. It wasn't until I finally quit trying to forgive and arrived at a point of humility that I raised my voice to God and said, "I can't do it! I can't forgive! So, God, you are going to have to do it in me!"  That was the first step toward freedom and the ability to let go of all the pain and hurt and bitterness encapsulated in unforgiveness.

Freedom didn't come from trying harder and harder to forgive. It came from realizing my own limitations and my own need for God's undeserved grace.  I had been "FORGIVEN", and until I could truly wrap my brain around that, forgiveness toward others seemed impossible.

Paul Tripp in his devotional "New Morning Mercies" writes:

"No one gives Grace better than a person who is deeply convinced of his/her own need of Grace."

I could change that to say, "No one gives forgiveness better than a person who is deeply convinced of his/her own need for forgiveness."

My 2024 word of confession has brought forth and brought attention to MY profound need for Grace, and in the process given me eyes to empathize and understand and give grace to others instead of being quick to judge or be critical.  A new mindset that we are all in the same boat - all trying our best to stay afloat and live the best we know how while still needing the beautiful gift of grace God offers us. 

I'm learning about grace in a whole new way -the depths, even new dimensions of it. Grace is something I have taken for granted for sure, used flippantly, so cliche, missing the reality of the extent of its meaning.

"The person who is unimpressed by God's Grace hasn't really understood his own sin."
-Paul Tripp

I love "The Chosen." In one episode, Jesus suggests (I love that!) to Peter that it might be time for him to forgive Matthew, but Peter felt the battle and struggle within as I did.  After much frustration and thought, Peter asks the same honest question I had asked Jesus in my own journey with unforgiveness, "Why does it have to be so hard?" To which Jesus responds, "Man makes it hard when he relies on his own understanding."

There it is...we try to understand the hurts and struggles and even our own sin through the lens of our limited perspectives and points of view.  But when Jesus graciously suggests to us that it may be time to forgive, we have to look beyond our understanding, beyond the "why" questions, the injustices, and acknowledge that the grace we talk about so freely is the same grace that covers over a multitude of our sins. We all have the same need for that Grace!

I'm learning there are so many valuable gifts at the intersection of Confession + Grace.  One being forgiveness. Not to be taken lightly, but treasured and held like a priceless gem. Or perhaps I should say worn like a significant ring. 

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.  Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God!"  

Proverbs 3:5-6 (Message)

The Lens of Confession

 

It's been awhile...in fact, I forgot how to log into my own blog, it's been that long. A little over two and a half years ago was my last post. I think I've made the excuse that life gets busy, but funny how I have time to watch two hours of "The Voice" on Monday evenings.  No it's not that.  Might be doubt...wondering if what I have to say makes any difference at all. It might not, and to be honest, I'm okay with that. I started my 2024 journal with four goals:

1. Know God Better - I know this sounds "churchy" or religious to some, but for me after 44 years of believing in God and learning about Him through the Bible, church, life, and mentors, I want to peel away the images I made God out to be.  I want to know who He truly is in a more personal way and not who I make Him out to be.

2. Allow God to "purify" me of 3 P's - Perfectionism, Performance, & Proving.

3. Listen to more music & allow my soul to sing, worship, & dance in freedom (also a part of knowing God more personally).

4. Allow space to write for no reason other than to know God better and capture His lessons.

So I thought my focus would be on GOD, but so much like Jesus' new testament teachings many, many years ago, His lessons are still upside down, contrary to what I would expect. 

Several months ago when I checked out at WinCo Foods, a young energetic clerk asked me, "If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?"  It totally caught me off guard.  This was a big question, and I admired him for asking me and all the customers before me. At the moment, I wish I had more time to put something more noteworthy together, but I said something about the need for people to always act in love first.  To which he responded, "Oh, like love your neighbor as yourself and to love your enemies."  I smiled as he quoted the common phrases from the Bible.  He then proceeded to ask the same question to the costumer behind me.

Just one question...this young man took this short space of time with each costumer to remind us all what we wish the world was like. But perhaps what he didn't know - or perhaps he did - that question led naturally to a following question in my mind, "If that is what you want to change in the world, then why don't you do that very thing?"  

So easy to see what others in this world need to do to make this world a better place, but so easy to miss the fact that I fall guilty to the same patterns of judgment, pride, selfishness, offense, and self-righteousness. Habits and mindsets which all lack love. 

I'm one of those people who are "maximizers", always see room for improvement, doing things better, and that includes myself. You know the things that make you look better and feel like you are better - give more, serve more, even pray more - all good things.

But as I wrote all the goals above, all pointing to the main goal of knowing God better, He gave me a word.  Like He does every year.  You know, like peace, joy, courage, hope, honor.  But this year it is different.  My word is CONFESS. I don't know if that word makes you cringe, but it does me.  

The perfectionist in me definitely cringes to think that I have to admit wrong, to be shockingly honest with my faults and failures, and ultimately be exposed.  I wrote the word slowly in my journal, hoping another word would miraculously come to mind and my hand would write a more appealing and non-transparent word.  But there it was - C-O-N-F-E-S-S, and God gave me the scripture to confirm it.

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  But if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 
1 John 1:8-9

There it was, and that is the reason it is March and I'm just now allowing space to write for no reason other than to know God better and capture His lessons. Since January, I've been confessing all over my journal, and these lessons are hard to share with others. 

At the end of 2023, my family and I were walking through the amazing Sagrada Família in Barcelona, Spain, and amongst all the majestic views & architecture, a simple sign grabbed my attention.  It was a quote from Mother Teresa:

"Confession Strengthens The Soul."

You bet I took a picture of it....because I'm looking for any benefits of confession I can find!  A selfish motivation to explore this word.  I will be strengthened.  That sounds better than owning up or coming clean. But here again comes the upside down lessons Jesus is known for. Little did I know that this word "confess" would be the very pathway to knowing God better, the greatest benefit of all.

Since then - it's been three months - I've been seeing God through a whole different lens, a whole different focus! I'm hoping to explain this more thoroughly, but for now knowing God hasn't been by reading more scripture or praying harder or serving more.  It has been through the process of looking honestly at myself and through the lens of confession that I'm finding the heart and grace of a loving Father I've never truly grasped.  It is through the process of humbling transparency, I'm peeling away the images I have... not of God, but of myself, and as a result knowing the God I've been serving for 44 years in a deeper way. 

God has taken me off guard with this word CONFESS just like the young clerk at WinCo did with a simple question.  They both took my focus off of looking outward, but instead inward at the things I would rather keep hidden.  And the great upside down mystery in this is how my transparency is bringing light to who God is.  

Basílica de la Sagrada Família
Barcelona, Spain